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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 3, 2012 1:30am-2:00am PDT

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(cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. senator rand paul will be joining us. here it, is your moment of zen. >> creed front man scott staff on why he's switching his vote from obama to romney this time. >> my heart and soul would really love someone like reagan. y captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, should churches endorse candidates? well, can you make an attack ad out of stained glass? (laughter) then, the candidates prepare for tomorrow night's debate. president obama has a whole new set of long pauses to memorize. (laughter) and my guest is univision news
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anchor jorge ramos. but it's my show so i'm going to call him george raymond. (laughter) the lead singer of creed says he won't endorse president obama! well, that settles it, obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to see you. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen")
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the "report." thank you for joining us. well, folks, that is the song that never ends. (laughter) folks, today is the biggest day in the history of publishing. since steve guttenberg invented the bible. (laughter) because today is the official publishing date of my new book "america again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) i wrote it! what! whoo! wait, wait, wait! stop, stop, stop! jimmy, jimmy, what's with the balloons? i thought we agreed we were going to drop books. (laughter) >> they would have killed you, stephen, they're too heavy.
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>> stephen: well, obviously we would fill them with helium! duh! (laughter) anyway, america again sets forth bold action steps that average americans can take to reclaim our country's greatness. action step number one: buy my book. (laughter) now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. it's sort of a blog for people with attention spans. (laughter) it makes a great gift for the holidays, folks: christmas, chanukah, black chanukah. so you've got your holiday shopping done. this is perfect for grandmas, mothers, sons, men not of woman born, lovers, enemies, toddlers. they love chewing on the corners they soften up after a while. just remember to remove the poison flavor strip. (laughter) so i've done my part, folks.
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the answers to all your problems are in here. and if the answer isn't in here then it's not a problem-- you're the problem. suck it up. (laughter) and folks-- (applause) folks, my book comes just in time because there are only 35 shopping days left before the presidential election. the koch brothers were smart, they bought their candidate early. oh, i cannot wait to find out what's in that beautiful package. i just want to shake it. what are your loopholes. how are you going to close them? anyway while our corporate citizens get to make their pick this elections, sadly america's churches don't get a vote. i don't see why not. jesus has a valid photo i.d. (laughter) these religious-- these
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religious right have been denied by an oppressive law that says in order for churches to qualify for tax-exempt status they are absolutely printd from directly or indirectly participating in or intervening in any political campaign on behalf of or in opposition to any candidate for elective public office. folks, this law is just another example of obama's war on religion. which he cleverly passed in 1954. (laughter) but now some brave religious leaders have banded together to fight for their right to partyfy fill united nations. >> stephen: some one thousand pastors nationwide are preparing to deliver a sermon the i.r.s. may not want to hear. they're trying to draw attention to a 1954 tax code that prohibits tax-exempt organizations like churches from engaging in political
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endorsements a group known as the i ay lines defending freedom is now challenging the code claiming it violates preacher's right for free speech. >> they've marched october 7 as pulpit freedom sunday. >> yes, pulpit freedom sunday. when the thrill of lengthy sermons finally meets the excitement of tax policy. pulpit freedom sunday is the boldest theological movement since casual good friday. this sunday, october 7 pastors around the united states will violate the law by directly endorsing one of the candidates. it doesn't matter which, either romney or not-obama. (laughter) and to try to force this issue into court the sermons will be recorded and sent to the i.r.s. folks, i like this new rebel attitude from the pulpit. maybe someday we'll turn on fox news and see a high-speed popemobile chase. (laughter)
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pastor jim garlow, one of the leaders behind freedom sunday says it's all about principle. >> we believe there should be no governmental intrusion in the pulpit at all. a pastor should be-- if he wants to endorse or a oppose a candidate. and that should be the right of the pastor based upon the first amendment. freedom of speech and freedom of religion. no governmental intrusion into the pulpit. >> i don't need the government protecting me from speech, i am a mature free-thinking american capable of making my own rational decisions about which candidate my priest said got wants know pick. (laughter) and, folks, it should not stop there, i want my religious leaders to weigh in on everything. judicial races, school board elections, bond issues, the ballot initiative creating a dedicated traffic signal in the left turn lane in front of the arby's because lo having to go all the way down to maple, make a right and then take that round about just to get back to the drive through doth make the angels weep. i mean, can i get an amen?
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(audience reacts) here to give me another amen-- maybe as good as that one-- is one of the bold leaders of pulpit freedom sunday, a man with the parables and the pair of balls. pastor jim garlow. pastor jim, thanks so much for coming. (cheers and applause) how many years have been doing this? >> this is the fifth year. >> stephen: so you guys have been basically trying to poke the hornet's nest of the i.r.s. for five years so they'll take you to court over the this unjust law. why haven't they done it yet? >> i assume they think they're going to lose. we had that privilege for 166 years in american history and then it was taken away 58 years ago and our line was simple: no governmental intrusion into the life of the church at all. >> let's talk about what the church has going for them right now. which i really love. you've got this tax-free thing going on. (laughter) can i get in on that? because-- (laughter) i've got a super pac but
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donations to me are not tax deductions and and other people have to use aftertax money for their political speech. but you guys get to use pre-tax money for political speech. i'd love to have my political speech subsidized by the government just like that. (cheers and applause) >> if you have a problem take that up with thomas jefferson and benjamin franklin because they believed in separation of church and state and no governmental control and the supreme court would later rule if the government taxes the church it thereby can control and destroy anything that it taxes and freedom of speech and freedom of religion is the first amendment. that's all we're asking for. >> stephen: so separation of church and state i've never been a big fan of. i believe you should preach your religious beliefs when you advise people how to vote. do you agree? >> stephen: yes. >> okay, i'm glad i've always
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supported mitt romney because it's in conflict with my catholic face because i know he's a member of a cult, okay? (laughter) but now now i'm free to exercise my catholic belief that he's an apostate heretic who should not hold the high fest job in the land in god's chosen country. do you believe i should be able to preach that?çó (cheers and applause) >> i absolutely do. if you're a preacher--. >> stephen: how am i not a preacher? this is my congregation (cheers and applause) >> it's a great congregation. >> stephen: you should see when i pass the hat. (laughter) >> whether a pastor is conservative or liberal he ought to have the right to say that in his pulpit, period. >> stephen: like that because-- >> otherwise we have to have pulpit police in every church monitoring their speech. >> stephen: i do believe that preachers or priests or religious leaders should be able to say anything they want because free speech should be absolute and i believe that.
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one of the reasons i love it is that i don't think, a, there's enough religion in our politics but more importantly the's not enough politics in our religion. i know now if a preacher says vote for x candidate or y candidate and that candidate loses i know i've got a loser god, stock? (laughter) or if that candidate turns out to be corrupt i know my god was false and i can move on to a new one. don't you think that's one of the nice things about getting politics all over religion is that we can get that kind of acrimony and that hate toward each other over our religions in a fresh way?çó (laughter) laugh. >>. >> >> your god is probably just fine, maybe you had a loser preacher. the pastor ought to say what he wants. we're not saying a pastor has to endorse we're saying he ought to have that right if he wants to. >> stephen: who are you endorsing? >> not anybody on this show. >> stephen: hey! >> i will in my pulpit this sunday. >> give me a hint. >> stephen:
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>> i want to invite you to be a guest in my pulpit and speak in my church in san diego. will you come? (cheers and applause) >> i'm on a book tour right now b. can i take a rain check? dr. jim garlow, senior pastor at skyline wesley january church.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. folks, there is only one news
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story anybody's talking about today? tomorrow's blockbuster presidential debate in denver! the mile-high matchup. the up ender in denver. the thrilla between chocolate and vanilla. (cheers and applause) i cannot overstate the importance of this debate because the t.v. already has. >> on thursday morning the entire narrative of this race is going to change. >> strong performance by romney could change everything. >> the debate night that could change everything. >> of course the night could change everything. >> yes, the debate could change everything. the past two years of relentless campaigning will mean jack squat. total reset back to year zero of america. we will abandon the cities and seek refuge in cliff side caves speaking only in hushed tones about the time man stole fire from the sky. money for our currency should be blood sacrifice offered to our new rulers, a race of superintergent feral cats.
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(laughter) oh, show us your mercy, whiskered ones. (laughter) or-- or romney could get a two-point bump. either way it's news. (laughter) right now, folks, the obama people where are december it fromly trying to lower expectations. it's sad, just listen to obscene your advisor and anthropomorphized vanishing sound david plouffe. (laughter) jim? >> we've accepted that governor romney will have a good night. he's prepared more than any candidate in himselfry and shown himself to be a good debater through the years. we're sure he'll put on quite a show wednesday. >> yes, if there's one word america associates with mitt romney it's "show." (laughter) meanwhile, the romney people aren't playing these silly games. they're just being honest when they hail the president as a uniquely gifted speaker who is widely regarded as one of the most talented political communicators in modern history.
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(laughter) yes! he's a one-in-a-generation statesman whose rhetorical gift touched the human soul! when he speaks sparrows of the wood alight upon barack's shoulders as they did upon saint francis of assisi. he's no mere man he's a silver-tongued angel whose words can cure the sick, soothe the troubled and be used as a flotation device in an t event of a water landing. (cheers and applause) so romney-- so romney has got no chance and here's how he's going to win. >> word on the street is that mitt romney has been practicing zincers since august. >> the governor's campaign said they're prepared a bunch of zingers or one liner. >> syncers. >> syncers. >> stephen: syncers. because americans need to know that their leader has a well honed sense of sync. (laughter) on day one our new president
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must be able to face iran's leader and ask him if the place where he bought that shirt also has a men's department. (laughter) then maybe some snaps. yo mahmoud's so fast, when he gets around an embargo, he gets around an embargo! (laughter) good luck, mitt. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight has s known as the latino walter cronkite. i will begin all of my questions with an up side down question mark. (laughter) please welcome jorge ramos! (cheers and applause) thanks. jorge, good to see you again. thanks for coming back. >> thanks for inviting me. >> stephen: el you're welcome. (laughter) you're a journalist, you're a columnist in, an author and, since 1986 you're the anchorman for noticiero univision. okay, so you're the big anchor for the latin speakers in america. >> uh-huh. >> dave: you-- is the latino or hispanic-- is that the same thing? >> usually you use hispanic for those on the east coast and latino for the west coast but it doesn't matter. >> stephen: so it's like an east
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coast/west coast kind of gang. >> yeah but it doesn't matter. >> stephen: i want to make sure i'm not throwing any signs tonight. (laughter) is the hispanic vote still in play? >> not really. i just say the latest poll from latino decisions and 73% of latinos tend to be-- they said they'll be voting for president barack obama. about 21% for mitt romney. (cheers and applause) mostly latinos tend to vote for democrats, not republicans. >> stephen: but why? romney's father was born in mexico! (laughter) he's a latino! >> he was born in-- you know, i asked him if he was a latino and he told me no. and i think it would be a little too much if he's doing only 21%. he would be doing 15% or 16%. >> stephen: he did his best to appear latino when he was there. jimmy, can we put up the picture here? on the left here is romney when he was in miami two days before.
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on the right is when he was talking with you on univision. >> that is true but the numbers-- he spent a few days in florida so that changes everything. (laughter) >> stephen: he was apparently campaigning in a nuclear reactor. (laughter) which candidate-- you also do analysis, right? who do you think would be better for the immigrant community? >> there's no question that president obama has supported comprehensive immigration reform. that's giving 11 million immigrants a path to citizenship. >> stephen: he said he would do that. >> he broke a promise. >> stephen: >> and i asked him about it. >> stephen: this is payback time. >> i asked him why he broke the promise and he told me he didn't have the support of the republicans. but a promise is a promise, i told him. on the other hand, we have to say that governor romney he liked this idea of self-deportation. >> stephen: speaking spanish
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>> he said he thought it would be a model for the rest of the country when it comes to verifying the identification of employees. >> stephen: isn't that empowering for the latino community to say "you have the power to deport yourself. i'm not going to do it. it's a matter of trust. >> not exactly. i've spoken with thousands of immigrants and i haven't found a single one of them who wants to self-deport. (laughter) i think self-deportation is not a solution, it's a really, really bad idea. it's about welcoming immigrants, not about throwing them out. (applause) >> romney's right. you guys are like the 47% who are depending on the government to deport people. is that why you like obama because obama has supported a ton of you people. -- deport add ton of you people. >> well, president barack obama
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has deported more immigrants than any president in the history of the united states. >> stephen: so you get a free ride to the border. (laughter) >> what i would say is immigrants contribute much more to this country than what people might think. undocumented immigrants pay taxes and do the jobs-- >> they are criminals, they're illegals. they broke the law. you know the law? they broke the law. if you break the law you're a criminal, jorge. >> at the same time there are millions of americans who benefit from their work and thousands of american companies who hire them. and we don't call them illegal so we have to talk about co-responsibility. they are here because we benefit from the work. (applause) >> stephen: i don't have a comeback for that so they'll edit it out of the interview. (laughter) >> what happens is they harvest the food that we have for breakfast and for lunch. they're building the homes where we live. they're taking care of our kids. so i think we have to give them
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a solution. self-deportation is not a solution. >> stephen: what is the solution? wave a magic wand and everybody gets to stay? >> we have to give them comprehensive immigration reform. >> stephen: amnesty? >> it's not an amnesty because they would go to the back of the line. but they are here because we need them and they came here simply because we are hiring them. we have to be responsible. >> stephen: let me get one more stab for you guys to vote republican. you guys like george w. bush. you liked him. why not romney? >> he got 44% of the hispanic vote but he was the first u.s. president who thought-the-that he spoke spanish. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: he thought he spoke english, too. (cheers and applause) jorge ramos, thank you so much! jorge ramos, univision, we'll be right back.
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